sorry for being in your way.

it's wednesday at 1:30pm and i want a drink, so i go to my local corner store for a six pack. at the resgister, the owner and his son are dealing with the best customer in history: the guy who tries to scam an extra dollar by asking for different amounts of change for bills in attempt to confuse the person at the register into giving more money than was present at the beginning. i've had people try this on me when i worked cash registers, but those times were with large amounts, twenties and hundreds. this guy is trying with $2.75.
"I gave you two dollars, then I gave you an extra dollar, and I still got a dollar right here!" he says. holding out his hand, i realize his outfit is at least worth 300 bills.
"No," says the owner, clearly over this exchange already, "you gave me two dollars, and you only have 75 cents in your hand."
"That's because he took my quarter," states the man adamantly, pointing at the owner's seven-year-old son. the kid doesn't seem too concerned, I get the feeling he didn't take the quarter. meanwhile, an old homeless man with a Hemmingway beard and a captain's hat has begun telling me repeatedly that he's sorry for being in my way. i nod and smile acknowledging it's no bother, more interested in the grifter's struggle for a dollar.
"C'mon, man. I wouldn't do this to you," he continues. "I wouldn't steal a penny from you. I've always paid in full for everything I get here. Hey, man, I haven't even gotten high today, I wouldn't try to do that. But you just stole a dollar from me!"
"sorry for being in your way."
"No I didn't. You gave me two dollars, I gave you eight quarters, I didn't steal anything from you."
"sorry."
"No man, maybe not purposely you didn't. But you took my dollar."
"Listen, I don't have time for this," says the owner, motioning for me to come forward. the man at the counter doesn't look at me, stubbornly continuing.
"Hey, man. I just want my 40 of Bud, man. I wouldn't try to steal from you."
and on, and on, and on...i've been wrung up, and am not trying to listen to this silliness anymore. i look at the homeless captain a last time, the only apologetic bastard in this whole encounter, his eyes watery with what i would like to think is hope, love, compassion, but probably he's just an alcoholic with a buzz and a tinge of psychological instability.
walking home, i'm forced to consider whether the same time spent hustling the liqour store owner instead used for panhandling would generate more than the dollar in question, and which of grifting or spanging is more noble? i conclude begging is better than stealing. show some humility. after all, you are a drunkard.
let's all take a note from the homeless captain.

a bottle of whiskey is like a parachute...

...it's only useful when it's open. a friend of mine told me this, the same who suggested the beginning of this blog. i don't know why this seems pertinent, or a good idea. maybe it's terrible for me to rant about alcoholism, especially when i feel no remorse for what i'm doing to myself at this moment. maybe that's a lie. i'm sure many people would tell me i'm in denial. but my father once told me a lie of his own which i prefer.

"If you don't feel bad about it, then it can't hurt you."

we can all agree he wasn't speaking about cirrhosis of the liver, or cancer, kidney stones, memory loss (can't feel bad if you don't remember), or any other health issues that happen when you drink everyday for years on end. i've never been honest with a doctor about how much i drink. i haven't been to a doctor for a real check up in almost a decade. but i'll tell you the truth, reader. if there's beer around in the morning, i'll probably drink it. if it's late night at a party and all the beer's gone, better hold on to yours, because i'll drink any open can or bottle i can get my hands on (sorry to all the friends who i've done this to...not really). i drink when i'm sad, happy, angry, confused, bored, or just apathetic, which maybe is an oxymoron since i obviously care about my alcohol intake.

Should teens drink at home with their parents?

i've drank with my parents since i was around 18. my mom used to buy me beer whenever she went grocery shopping. she still does when i come home for a visit, and i'm always very appreciative. it's an expensive habit, and it's nice when someone wants to buy you a drink. To quote Chuck Palahniuk in Invisible Monsters, "When you go out with a drunk, you'll notice how a drunk fills your glass so he can empty his own. As long as you're drinking, drinking is okay. Two's company. Drinking is fun. If there's a bottle, even if your glass isn't empty, he'll pour a little in your glass before he fills his own." my parents are alcoholics. my mom and stepfather's drink is wine. my father chooses beer. all will drink liqour when the mood strikes them. at sometimes, moods will strike more often than not. i love all these people, and i'm not blaming them in the least, i just want to be clear about where i'm coming as a drinker. i was always taught to respect alcohol and to call a cab or a parent when i couldn't drive home after a party. i can't say i always heed this advice, and i'm not proud of that fact. drunk driving is not condoned here. do what i say, not as i do.

"For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking."

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, The Big Book

i don't know if i've reached those last days of heavy drinking, but how could i? all those cliches of never seeing your low until you've hit it. i can guarantee that this day is not close to my last day of drinking, and perhaps that rising sun to hit a sober eye will never arrive. i don't know why i'm even writing here. i'm not confessing out of guilt, and i don't expect any good advice to come out of this since i'm not apologizing for anything...yet. besides this introduction, i don't plan on writing for the sake of vanity. maybe i'm hoping i can remember something more, discover what i'm missing the next morning, what i avoid speaking to friends and family about. right now i'm sipping a tall boy, i've got another ready, and i'll probably go out tonight to the bar. if anything interesting happens, i'll let you know.