"it seems worth checking out. i mean, a bunch of cute girls who are on the prowl?" he says.
i understand. prey meets prey. it's worth it...if you get laid. what the fuck ever. why should i be guilt tripped. everytime i choose to go home there's something great that happens. everytime i try to go out nobody wants to go. what does that mean? i hate this. the feeling of inadequacy and belittlement because i missed an experience.
maybe i saved myself from a bad experience. or maybe i missed the best night of my life.
these two contrasts dominate my night life.
why can't i just be pleased with my own decisions? why do i let others move my emotions?
i need all my mental capacity to calm the frustration in my head. i want to burn away like rice paper, non-existent in the wind. no longer caring about the what-if, this naive attempt at feeling a conquest, power over another. drunken fuckin one night stands. that's what it boils down to.
tonight, rod said there is a way of connecting ourselves to the source of happiness. a feeling that permeates from everyone, an assurance of being alive and loved. the feeling that dissolves all fogs of insecurity and vulnerability. i need it. we all do, but we're so confused that this seeking has been diluted to the quest for money and beauty. the physical. another addiction. samsara anonymous. hi, my name is sandy badger, and i'm afraid, angry, hungry for everything. or maybe old yeller. put me out of my misery, literally, not figuratively.
i don't want to die:
i want to share substance and performance and eloquence and benevolence of the soul we all possess to share.
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2 comments:
as i drank whiskey even with a mixer as you claim to be wrong i enjoyed it and even more so because you were there. and as for mountains i am pretty sure we hiked one today and as always i found you there. thank goddess for that. I am pretty sure they are not to be overlooked. mt. analogue right. i needed you like you need to write. For it is your undercover brilliance. Try to hide but i will seek for centuries. ancient love does not just disintegrate.
One night stands are easy. So is cheating. As animals, your friend might say that is what we are drawn to; what is easy, and maybe he's right.
In kindergarten, when we were young and things were simple, before we had questions like these, we preformed our first experiment in class. We placed bean shoots in wax cups of dirt and placed them just out of reach from the sun, in our little wooden play kitchen.
Those little green shoots, they twisted themselves toward the sun. Up and around popcicle sticks, bending past stacks of Dr. Seuss books. Not because it was easy; but because it needed it.
Bend the way you need to.
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