i will float until i learn how to swim.

My worst regret of being a lush: my small bladder. Living alone, no problem. Piss thirty times a night, nobody cares, flush every time and laugh hohoho. With roommates I’m waking people up at all hours of the night to piddle. My door squeaks if you don’t open it fast enough. The bathroom door squeals if you don’t touch it. I’d rather not subject someone right across the hall to me spending a penny with the door open, so I squeal that motherfucker shut. Then bliss arrives. Nothing feels more relieving to me than a freshly emptied bladder. It’s not just that organ, I sometimes feel a shudder and twitching of muscles like an orgasm or when the best part of a favorite song does it to your ear hole. Everything expresses freedom of movement, and isn’t that what America is all about? Freedom of movement: to pee where you want! Hmm…off track. Maybe not. A friend impressed me the other night by peeing while walking down a city street. That’s on track. But I digress from the fact of my pint-sized urinary dysfunction symptoms. It’s a medical condition. P-SUDS. It means I pee a lot. For every pint, I take a whiz. Hence the pint-sized. It’s a medical term. It’s not rocket surgery. But I digress from the fact of my P-SUDS. It annoys all the people I live with who hear me shuffling through the creaky and squealing hallways at night, the people at bars who have to pause their gut-spilling life moments so I can go take five minutes feeling awkward standing next to multiple assholes who probably think I’m weird for not being able to pee in public when their awareness of it only enhances my anxiety and THIS IS A PROBLEM PEOPLE! But I digress from my P-SUDS. I drink everywhere I go, and in public parks there isn’t always a restroom. I urinate in public a lot. It’s not a medical condition, but I think doctors should start prescribing medical allowances to those of us with bantam tolerance for libation. Let my pee be free!
…Maybe not.
Remember, I’m a proud (but shy) member of the International Paruresis Association. I pee because I have to, not because I want to. You can yell at me for being an alcoholic, but when nature calls, nobody can deny me. On that note...